3 ways to beat your fear of not measuring up

By: Nila Sweeney

I've been wanting to blog for a very long time. I know it should have been a no-brainer as I've been writing for many years.

But I was very afraid of not measuring up to the “standards” set by the prominent bloggers out there. I was wracked with self-doubt.

Who would read my blogs? Will I be able to produce compelling articles that people want to read? Would people like what I write? There are already millions and millions of bloggers out there, who would care about what I have to say?

So I spent a couple more years consuming other’s work rather than creating them myself.

Then one day I realised, I’ve been letting my fear of not measuring up run the show. It’s been holding me back from pursuing the things that I really care about.

I realised that just because I’m new and unknown doesn’t mean I should give up the idea of blogging altogether. I may not be amazing yet but I can aim to be.  I can write honest and hopefully, helpful posts that people find relevant.

So far it’s been an interesting experience. It was scary and exhilarating at the same time. So how did I make the leap? Here are a few things that helped me get over my fear.

I stopped comparing myself with others

This is easier said than done. Even as I write this, my monkey mind is busy telling me that this subject matter have been done to death and there are better posts out there discussing this topic. And that I shouldn’t bother.

I now know that if I allow this voice to rule my action, I would stop. If I allow myself to compare my writing ability with others, I’d be utterly depressed and unable to proceed.

So instead of simply ignoring this nagging doubt, I face it squarely and acknowledge its presence and I keep on blogging anyway.

I focused on the things that I’m good at

This step is harder than I thought. That’s why I find it really difficult to put together my resume. I feel uneasy talking about the things that I’m good at.

When I first attempted this exercise, I could not list more than three qualities I see in myself. I’ve taken for granted so many things that I do well because I see them as rather “normal” and nothing too special. I thought anyone could do them, given training and time.

What I realised is that I can do and have done a lot of pretty exceptional things. I also became present to the vast knowledge on various subjects that I carry around and that I’ve taken for granted for a very long time. Taking stock of my strength made me aware how much more I can offer as a human being.

So try it. Make a list of everything that you’re capable of doing.  List all your strengths and accomplishments, no matter how trivial they look to you.

The aim here is not to brag about your achievements, but to get reacquainted with your innate greatness.

I learned to accept my flaws

Becoming aware of my limitation but not allowing it to control me has been another breakthrough for me.

I know I don’t have a perfect body, and I’m ok with that. I know that I have many character flaws such as procrastination and being judgmental, so I’m working on improving those areas. Instead of using these flaws to measure myself unfairly with others, I now see them as an opportunity to improve myself.

Comparing ourselves with others is completely unnecessary. It only makes us miserable, depressed and even jealous.

Instead of focusing on the things that you do not currently have, look at the things that are now present in your life, all the people in your life and the good fortune that you’re enjoying. That’s right. You have everything you need to live a happy and satisfying life, right now.

You may also want to read my article No Time To Lose for an extra dose of inspiration:-)

A simple way to avoid disappointments forever

Living a fulfilled life could be as simple as doing more exploring and less expecting.

By Nila Sweeney

As I sit here writing about exploration, not expectation, I can’t help but feel a bit like a phony. Of course, I expect myself to come up with brilliant prose about this very subject.

It's ironic isn't it, how we set ourselves up for disappointments without even realising it. It's like an automatic setting in our brain. Every time we do something, we attach to it an expectation of a certain outcome, which prevent us from being open to other possibilities.

When we create expectations rather than exploring what’s possible, we close ourselves off from potential breakthroughs because our expectations dictate how we do things. We exclude other possibilities because we get so fixated with certain outcomes. We miss out on potential opportunities.

When we set expectations around people and ourselves, we're really not giving them, or us, for that matter, a chance. They have to be a certain way, or things should be this way or else...Yes, or else we judge it a failure.

Taking for example my yoga practice. Like many A-type personalities out there, I'm a very driven person. I want to be always at the peak of my game. I have to be able to do certain things well at all times. If not, then I judge myself as a failure because I couldn’t do certain things on certain days. Instead of focusing on being in tuned with my body just like what yoga intended, I'm more preoccupied about looking good and proving to myself and others that I can do it.

When we let our ego and desire run the show, we're setting ourselves up for disappointments or in the case of my yoga practice, injuries. We're limiting the potential outcome in a bid to control the results. When we let go of our need to control, when we soften our stance towards how things should be, when we let go of the shoulds and musts, we're opening ourselves to limitless possibilities and the joy of the unexpected outcome.

The joy of being an explorer

I love the word explorer, the same way I love the word adventurer. They connote so much excitement and uncertainties with just a hint of danger. I aspire to be one and I’m currently working on being an explorer and adventurer in my remaining life.

So I've experimented and tested the theory that you gain more by trying to let go of a preconceived outcome. I started to apply this to my yoga practice.

Rather than forcing my body to do certain poses, I start my practice with the intention of pushing myself to the edge to see how far I can take my practice, and at the same time be open to what comes up. While this may sound like I am still trying to control the outcome, the difference this time is that I do so with softness, openness and compassion to myself. This simple act of setting an intention works wonder in making my practice more enjoyable. I continue to grow and advance my yoga practice without forcing.

Finding the balance between effort and surrender comes as a result of exploring what my body can do. It’s about knowing when to push it to the limit and knowing when to pull back. When I go through my practice without 'forcing' it, I often come away more satisfied with myself. When I discover that my body can do certain things,  it becomes a celebration. It's no longer a yardstick by which I measure myself worth.

I now apply the same principle with my dealings with other people. I used to create certain expectations around my relationships with them and consciously or unconsciously, I act, driven by those expectations. Rather than be open to other possibilities, I sometimes “manipulate” the outcome by some sneaky tactics such as applying pressure onto the other person. Rather than going with however the relationship is meant to be at that point, I ‘force’ the outcome, sometimes to the point of threatening the other person to commit or do things or else I banish them from my life.

Now when I’m with others or meeting people for the first time, I consciously drop all my preconceptions and judgement. I go with an open and curious mind and be open to how things will turn out. When I treat the encounter as an adventure, there was no way for me to lose, only reap the reward of meeting another human being.

Being an explorer is a more fun way to live. It allows you to see things differently. You are in constant discovery. You see things you’d otherwise miss because you were not looking for a specific outcome. You’re open to anything. Suddenly the world becomes your oyster.

Adopting a beginner's mind

There’s something exciting about being a newbie. The rush of discovering something new is a wonderful feeling. Your mind is ready to soak up and learn new things. It prompts curiosity and adventure.

Remember when you’re young and raring to learn anything? I remember the first time I worked in a newsroom. Being a civil engineering graduate and has no previous work experience in television journalism, being thrown in the deep end as a news assistant is the most-nerve wracking yet immensely exciting experience. I was so excited; I was literally jumping out of my skin. I felt so alive. It was a sink or swim situation. So I approached the challenge with open mind and heart and learned everything that I could within the shortest possible time.

I asked a lot of questions, I asked for help. I had no expectations about myself. I treated the challenge as pure exploration and self-discovery: to see if I have what it takes to make it into television journalism. Of course I pushed myself to the limit. There was no way I would not give this opportunity my best shot. But I did it with the attitude that I have no control of the outcome and therefore deliberately didn’t set any expectations. I worked hard and learned everything that I could, out of gratitude for this life-changing opportunity.  Needless to say, I made it and ended up working in broadcasting for about 10 years. I worked my way through to associate produce/writer position at CNBC Asia and then later at CNN International.

Being a beginner can be quite scary, because it exposes our lack of knowledge or expertise in certain areas. But rather than looking at it as a weakness, a better approach will be to look at it as a great opportunity to learn new things and skills. It’s when we’re learning new things and new way of doing things that we grow as human beings.

Adopting a beginner’s mind in everything that we do help us to relax and explore. Our interaction with others becomes more meaningful. When we treat each encounter as a chance to explore, we open ourselves to anything. When we simply explore and not expect anything, we save ourselves unnecessary disappointments. We become a happier, more content human being.

How to suffer less and live a happier life

When we’re in pain, we tend to focus on what it is that’s making us suffer, which perpetuates more suffering. Yet, by simply shifting our focus, we could lessen our pain and be happier human beings. 
By: Nila Sweeney

My favourite yoga teacher told us an interesting story the other day about this famous guru who trained among the monks. Every night, they will wake up at around midnight to meditate until sunrise. At some point this guru complained to the head monk that his left foot is getting too sore, by which the head monk responded: “Focus on the other foot, the one that’s not hurting.”

How elegantly simple, yet, effective when we take this advice to heart! How often do we focus on what’s not working in our lives, ignoring those bits that are? If you’re like me, pretty much all the time!

It’s messed up, I know. For example on a physical level, when we have a headache, we take it for granted that our legs, our senses and our heart are still functioning perfectly. We get so caught up with the pain or sensation of having a headache that we become miserable, as though nothing is working in our lives.

We also tend to focus on our “flaws”. My butt is too big; my arms too flabby, my thighs too thick or my breast are too small or saggy. We conveniently ignore the fact that our “big” butt bears the weight of our body, our “flabby” arms enable us to do things like eat or type in our laptops and our “thick” thighs take us places.

Applying this to the different areas of our lives such as family, finances, relationships or work, we can see how easily we become despondent with every bump that comes our way.

Focusing on what’s working in our lives does not mean ignoring or even pretending the pain is not there. It’s acknowledging both the suffering and the good fortune that we currently enjoy.

I know it’s not easy to be happy when you have a toothache or a splitting headache or just been separated from the love of your life. However, our misery would be so much worse if we nurture this feeling of suffering instead of looking for the things that are actually not “broken” in our lives.

So how do we focus on the “other foot”? Here are some of my thoughts and own techniques on how we can apply this to every aspect of our lives.

Health

When you’re suffering physically, acknowledge the pain and see if there’s something you can do to eliminate or at least lessen the suffering. If there is, then there is no need to compound your suffering by worrying about it. If there isn’t, the more reason for you not to worry.

Appreciate the fact that other parts of your body are still functioning perfectly.

You still have your eyes that can see the blue sky, the beautiful faces of the people you love and the redness of a rose. Be thankful that you have a pair of lovely lips that bring smiles, ears that can hear your love ones’ laughter and a heart that works tirelessly to support your life.

Family

When one of our family members is not in a good space, we tend to focus solely our attention to “fixing” them and making them better, while ignoring the other members who are in better shape. We tend to devout almost all our time getting this family member back on track. In the meantime, the other people in our lives are not getting much attention from us. We rationalise that they don’t need us as much as this suffering member does.

In a way, this is true. However, this creates more pain in the long run as animosity and resentment arise instead of compassion towards the suffering member.

Acknowledge the other members and let them know through your words and deeds that they matter as much as the suffering member. Tell them that they are important to you and show your appreciation by spending as much quality time and attention to them, as you can possibly can.

Finances

When it comes to finances, we tend to focus on what we don’t have rather than what we have. We get jealous when we see others earning more money and accumulating more material stuff than us. This drives us to pursue money endlessly and in the process sacrificing other aspects of our lives. Time and time again, this is proven to end in more suffering.

Instead, focus on what you already have. Are you earning enough to support yourself or your family? Do you have enough financial resources to do as much of the things you want to do and still help others in the process?

Then you already have more than enough to live a happy life. Giving up the feeling of “not having enough” will give way to contentment and peace of mind. Just look at how some people continue to struggle no matter how much money they make.

It’s not about how much you have but how you make what you have enough for you right now.

If you want to bring in more money, sure, go for it. But do it for the right reason. Do it because you enjoy doing what you do. When you do things out of love, you’ll sure to see good fortune flows through your life.

Relationships

Bringing in focus to the things that are working in our relationship rather than those that are not undoubtedly results in happier, juicier and more satisfying relationships.

As humans we tend to focus on the negative aspects of our relationships, making it less satisfying and fulfilling than it can be.

Focusing on your partner’s “annoying” habits for example will diminish his importance in your eyes. You would get fixated with this habit that everything you do would be coloured by your secret or not so secret disdain. Meanwhile, you’d overlook his or her redeeming qualities. You’d take for granted all the other things you love about this person. As you can imagine, a relationship built on this premise can’t grow and flourish. 

It’s not about putting up with abusive relationship. It’s about accepting the small quirks that all of us have.

Work

Yes, we all have things we don’t like about our work. We don’t like our boss, we dislike having to travel far for work or we simply don’t like parts of our work.

Guess what this makes and leaves us? You got it! Unhappy and dissatisfied. Many of us would focus on the things we perceive as making us suffer. We get more and more frustrated and unhappy because the things we don’t like get magnified. It’s true, the more we focus on the things that we don’t like, the worse they become. They become real, even if we were just imagining them at the start.

If you are employed, there are things that are out of your control. Obviously you have no control of who your boss is going to be, where your work is located and other decisions that are made by your company that impacts your work and life.

What can you do? Lots. Instead of focusing and complaining about how things are not working, look at ways to eliminate if not reduce these things. If you can’t and you’re increasingly unhappy, you do have the option to leave and look for other employment.

The point is, there may be aspects of your job that you enjoy, such as the friendships you built over time, the flexibility, the autonomy or simply the fact that you are making a difference to others.

It’s easy to ignore all these positive aspects of life when we’re too focused on the painful experiences we’re suffering. Focusing on the good fortune that we have, with our health, finances, families, relationships and work goes a long way to making us happier and more satisfied human being.

I’d love to hear your thoughts about this post.

You may also want to read How to Bounce Back from Failure.