How to bounce back from failure

Nobody wants to fail, but we still do, from time to time. Here are 4 tips to help you get back in the game, fast.

By Nila Sweeney

I don’t like failing. Failing sucks and it’s painful. It weighs you down and makes you just want to give up. Unfortunately, despite my best efforts, I failed many times and I still fail in some of the things I set out to do.

For example, I set out a goal to do yoga every day. I do it most days, but not every day as I aimed for.

I still procrastinate. I aimed to be more decisive and productive, but I still put off doing things or making crucial decisions. Sometimes for days. No wonder, I'm still nowhere near the size of the property portfolio I need to retire on.

I wanted to be organised particularly with paperwork, but my bills and other important documents are still piling up in the box under the bed for me to sort out.

I had many failures in the past, including losing money on ventures that bombed and getting involved in relationships that were doomed from the start.

There were many occasions I was tempted to just throw in the towel. And I did, a number of times, albeit briefly. Somehow I keep finding myself back in the game.

It’s never easy to motivate yourself when you fail, but there are steps you can take to get you out of the rut quicker. Here are four tips that I use to pick myself up after a humbling defeat. You may want to give it a try too.

1. Take a short break to refocus

Taking a short break to regroup helps you to see things clearly. When we fail at something, we have the tendency to magnify its impact. We think the fall out is bigger than what it actually is. And it could be really big, but if you look at the grand scheme of things, you’ll likely to see it’s not that serious. It's not insurmountable. It’s not the end of the world. You can only do this if you take time to refocus.

The other benefit of taking a breather is that you avoid knee-jerk reactions that could exacerbate the damage. Dealing with failure is uncomfortable and it’s normal to want to make the discomfort go away as fast as possible. If you're not aware of your actions, you could end up making riskier moves that would compound your loses.

2. Don’t take it personally

Easier said than done, I know. There’s a big difference between failing at something and failing as a person. When we fail in our ventures or projects, we tend to take it personally. We make it mean we’re failures. We think we failed because we're not good enough, that we're stupid or losers.

When you had a lapse and ate a whole block of chocolate for example, this doesn’t mean you’ve failed as a person. It just meant that you broke your diet, a sign that something in your method is not working.

When you bought an underperforming investment, it means your methods were flawed, not you as a person. It doesn't mean you suck as an investor.

When we just see failure as it is: a sign that a process is not working, we'll be able to find a way to improve it to prevent it from happening again.

3. Change the way you do things

Once you’ve identified the ineffective ways of doing things that led to this failure, you can  change it. You can look for a new or different method of doing it. Maybe ask other people for help. Maybe set up a system to keep you accountable. Maybe you need to overhaul your whole process of doing things. The important thing is that you’re making a distinction between the failure of the methods and your failure as a person.

4. Take action, no matter how small

Failure makes you want to stop and just crawl under the bed and never get out. It’s tempting to quit and not do anything. But this will only postpone the inevitable: dealing with the consequences of that failure.

When you take action, no matter how small, you’re sending a message to yourself that this failure that you’re dealing with is not insurmountable. You start feeling better. 

Before you know it, you’re back in the game.

You may also want to read my article Are you still making excuses? for an extra dose of motivation. 

Other inspirational articles you may want to check out:
Could this be the missing magic ingredient in your relationships?
No time to lose 

No time to lose

Are you still putting off doing the things that you're passionate about? Time could be running out.

By Nila Sweeney

You’ve dreamed about visiting Norway to see the Northern Lights. You've always wanted to learn the tango and speak French. You've been thinking about quitting your job to start your own business.

Yet when push comes to shove, you get cold feet. You talk yourself out of it before you can say go!

You rationalise that there will plenty of time to pursue all these things. For the time being you need to make more money. You need to stick with your day job so you can save for that dream house or car.

So you go on living the same old life, doing the same thing, day after day, year after year. 

Occasionally, you notice a nagging feeling that perhaps there’s more to life than this. Then you look at where you are now. You’re comfortable. Why rock the boat? Why change anything now? So you revert back to living in autopilot. Possibly a mediocre life.

Then a big jolt. Someone you know has just passed away.

There’s nothing like death to shake you back into reality.

Like today, when I found out that one of my college friends has passed away. I simply couldn’t get around the fact that she’s gone. How did this happen? When did people in my generation start dropping dead? 

I guess I've been living under the false security that we’ll live a long life and that dying wasn't an option.

I was stunned at first and then I panicked. I mean if she died that young, then it could be my turn any day now.

I know it’s irrational to think that people should only die when they reach a certain age, but how often do you think about your own mortality? Exactly. Why would you even think of such a morbid thing, right?

The reality is we’ll never know when the time comes. And most of us don’t want to know about it anyway because we don’t want to face the reality of our own demise. It’s too horrifying. It’s such a dampener.

But just because we don’t want to face it doesn’t make it go away. By pretending it’s not there, we go on with our lives as if we’re going to live forever. We make plans, we party like it's 1999 and we can’t get no satisfaction (ok that’s really cheesy) as we work like crazy to build security around finances and our career. As if we’re absolutely certain we’re going to live long enough to enjoy the fruits of our labour.

But what happens if you don’t get to the end of the line? No one can predict how and when one person expires from this world. You hear it every day: people who are young, healthy, rich, beautiful, famous, poor or old people who are dying of various causes. So what makes us immune to this eventuality? When it comes to death, there’s nowhere to hide.

Stop putting your life on hold

It’s good to make plans and prepare for the future. This would be the responsible and sensible thing to do. However, it’s important not to get fixated by the end game that you put your life on hold for the time being.

We only get 24 hours a day, 365 days a year and if we’re lucky to live to a normal lifespan, we might live till we’re 80. You might think you’ve got all the time left in the world that you put off doing what you love. The truth is you may not have.

Death does not discriminate. When your time comes, ready or not, you will have to go and leave this world.

In your death bed, can you honestly say you’re glad that you held off living a full on life or you wished you’ve done more of the things you thought you’d have more time to do?

Next time you find yourself deciding whether to do something that’s exciting and scary now or leave it for another day; I’d challenge you to do it right away. You may not have a second chance.

That phone call to your mother and father that you’ve been meaning to make? Make it now. Tell your love ones how much they mean to you. Hug them; hold them close to your heart. Enjoy this moment while you can.

Could this be the missing magic ingredient in your relationship?

Tapping into this unfulfilled need could catapult your relationships to a juicier level.

By Nila Sweeney

He says: “People should get their news or information from diverse sources to broaden their views”.  What I heard him say was: “Your blog posts are boring, they’re just focusing on one thing.”

Isn't it silly how we listen to others and hear things based on what's going on in our heads and not what’s being said? Rather than really listening, we get too caught up looking for the meaning and intention behind what the other person is saying.

Why did he say such things? What did he really meant by that? Rather than listening to what’s being said, we make up our own interpretation based on our reality.

In my case,  I made it mean “I’m not good enough to write, I’m stupid,” and so on and so forth because that comment triggered my insecurity.

When there’s a breakdown in communication, it’s less about what's being said, but more on how we listened. That’s the root of miscommunication.

When we listen while running our own internal commentary, we can't listen fully. Even if we're nodding and looking at them in the eyes if we’re too busy judging, agreeing or disagreeing, we’re not really there for them. We're not present.

Being heard is a basic human need, yet those who give them are as scarce as a hen’s teeth. It’s a rare commodity because it’s not easy to listen fully.  It’s difficult to listen when someone is attacking you. You’d  be tempted to interrupt with a counterattack of your own to get even.

The predictable result is that nobody wins. Not even the person with the louder voice or the one who can unleash the most profanities. Everybody loses.

Learning how to listen fully opens up a whole new dimension in your relationships. When you give someone the gift of listening, you’re allowing them to heal. People will start to gravitate towards you. 

When you listen with open heart and mind, people feel they matter. They’d feel closer and safe around you because they can trust you. They no longer feel the need to hide or pretend. You get genuine connection because of your willingness to lend your ears. Your relationships become more meaningful.

The best part of it? You don’t need to do or say anything special: just be present.

How do you really listen?

Here are a few suggestions that I've used myself and they've been immensely helpful. I still have my bad days when communication dies a sudden death. But I’m getting better at it, the more I practice.

Listen without judgement

Now, this is a hard one to do. We’re all wired up to be judgmental.  I know I am. But you can set this judgement aside until the other person has finished whatever it is they want to say.

Try to just listen without having to agree or disagree or judge what the other person is saying. Even when they say something that is blatantly untrue, don’t interrupt. Don’t try to correct them. Doing so would rob them the opportunity to release and heal their suffering.

When you let go of your judgement, your stance towards others softens and your need to defend yourself also lessens.

Set aside your feelings

When listening to others who are expressing negative emotions such as anger, we tend to respond in kind. This is normal. It’s also completely ineffective.

When your emotions are triggered as the other person unloads, keep reminding yourself that this conversation is not about you, it’s about the other person. Give him this moment. You’ll get your turn, some other time.

Set aside your feelings about the matter being discussed and just listen to what the other person is saying. You might just discover something new about the other person and yourself, in the process.

Give something up

Ego often gets in the way of our ability to listen fully and with love. When we give up being right, we allow the other person to express themselves freely.

Let go of your need to be right for once and just listen. You might just be surprised at the outcome.

Be generous

Giving the other person the chance and the space to say what he wants to say is one of the greatest gifts you can give to someone. It doesn't cost you anything yet the rewards are huge. When you listen without any hidden agenda and without expecting anything in return, you become the most wanted person in other people's lives. It's the law of supply and demand. You give them something that's in short supply, you become in huge demand.

So there you have it. If you’re looking for a juicy and delicious relationship, mastering the art of listening could just pave the way.

 

This is how you can reboot your life

When we're always running towards our goals, we miss out on the wonders of this life. And then it's too late. It's time to slowdown and start living. By Nila Sweeney

Do you sometimes feel that you're always running, towards a goal, towards something or somewhere you think would make you happy and fulfilled? And yet without fail, you find yourself back to where we started?

You're not alone. 

This has become a default activity in this hyperactive world we’re living in. Somehow we started to believe that if you sit still, life passes you by and you miss out.

But do you really? How many times we end up running around in circles just because we decided to run?

How many important life events have we missed out on because we were on the go? 

We rationalise that what we’re doing would benefit the people in our lives in the end. So we continue to relentlessly pursue these ambitions.

We trade our most precious commodity - time - just to get to our goals, whatever they are. We lose sight of the important things in life such as family, health and relationships.

In our pursuit for money or fame, we were willing to give up our humanity, our morality and sense of decency. At the very least, we compromise our health and sanity.

It’s a high price to pay. But we don’t always see it that way because the urge to get to our goals is so strong. 

We become frustrated and decide that if we run just a little bit faster, work a bit harder... maybe this time, we finally make it.

The sad truth is, this cycle will go on. Then you run out of fuel. Once you've used up all your life’s energy, there’s nothing left.

Time to take it slow

When we’re running, we don’t see and appreciate the beauty of this life we've been given.
We don’t appreciate the good fortune we're enjoying. We take for granted the people in our lives. 

Slowing down enables us to see that we have everything that we need to be happy right now. We don’t need to chase that mystical, magical future where we believe all our wishes come true.

Maybe you find it hard to convince yourself that you should slow down and take a break. That’s normal. Don’t beat yourself up. Instead, have a look at the following list of almost probable, highly inevitable realities that you will face if you continue down your current speed and trajectory.

1. You will lose your most precious relationships.

Relationships need to be nurtured. Of course you know that. 

You also know that if you’re always running, you won’t have the time and energy to develop relationships and appreciate the people in your life.

Even if your intention is to make life better for them in the future, your continuing pursuit for that future takes you away from their lives now, when it really matters. 

You would find that there’s no amount of material possessions or fame could ever replace the precious time you spend with your love ones.

Soon, they’d move on, with or without you in their lives. Once they've gotten used to you not being present, even without realising it, they've eliminated you from their lives. You become someone who comes and goes and never stays. 

You've lost the most important reason for your cause.

2. You will lose your health.

Relentlessly pursuing a goal comes at another hefty price: your health. 

Even if you exercise and do all the relaxation practices in the world, the unrelenting demand you impose on yourself will eventually take its toll on your body.

Every time you feel stressed, anxious or angry, you’re subjecting your body to unknown harm. There’s no way of knowing what would eventually trigger that unexpected nervous breakdown, burn out or worst, a heart attack.

Being always on your toes, tend to make your more agitated, which put more pressure to your nervous system and heart. Study after study shows that angry people tend to have a shorter lifespan compared to those who are peaceful and contented. 

It makes perfect sense. When you’re relaxed, the body doesn't have to work as hard.

3. You will lose your job or source of livelihood.

Ironically, the more we work hard towards our goals, the more we risk losing what we’re working for. 

Even if your goals are centred on your career or work, your dogged hunt for the prize, at any cost would eventually alienate your allies.

Without realising how your behaviour is having a negative impact on your colleagues or clients, you’d continue to self-destruct, until your boss no longer have a choice but to let you go.

No matter how valuable you are to business, no matter how much your manager loves your work, the undesirable effect of your behaviour and ways would force them to make that hard decision to let you go.

In the grand scheme of things, everyone is expendable, even the star performers. Especially the one with the bad attitude and “do all it takes no matter the consequences” mindset.

How to reboot your life now

Since you’re the only one who can make this decision, there’s no amount of encouragement will help you if you’re steadfastly sticking to your gun. However, I suspect that there’s a big part of you, that pure self within all of us, that wants a change for the better.

So here are some things that may help you finally stop and start living life. They’ve helped me a great deal and I’m making progress.

1. Realise the highly probable, almost inevitable future you’re heading to, if you don’t stop and reverse course. 

Ask yourself, are these goals you’ve set for yourself worth losing the most important people in your life? Is it worth the resulting illness? Is it worth losing your job?

2. Ask yourself what’s the worst that can happen if you stop right now.

What would be the worst consequences of stopping what you’re doing and taking a break right now? List all the things that you’re worried, afraid of and all the other reasons you make yourself believe are important to keep you going on this path.

Getting them into writing would help you realise that they are scarier in our heads than when we see them in black and white. It also help us see where we’ve been assigning the most fear and make us realise how absurd these assumptions are.

3. Ask yourself, what’s the best thing that could happen if you stop right now.

This can be a hard question to answer especially if we’ve invested all our waking hours and energy in pursuing something for the future. We tend to forget what we love doing.

Asking ourselves this question also forces us to really acknowledge where we’ve been unreal all these times. Are we trying to avoid or escape life by focusing our attention to our imagined future? What really motivates you to keep going as hard and as fast?

If you really look deep inside for answers, you’d find that deep inside, what you’re looking for is not what you’re working towards.

It’s not really about money, or fame, or power. It’s about being loved. It’s about being happy.

The good news is that when you stop running, you’d see that the beautiful people in your life have always been there for you, waiting for you to come around. 

They are always there to support you now matter what. All you need to do is open your eyes and heart and be present. This can only happen if you slowdown.

When you stop running, you realise that you already have everything to be happy in the present moment. 

You have your health, your loyal body and sharp mind. 

You are still alive. 

Recognising these gifts goes a long way to bringing happiness and peace of mind.

Thanks for reading. You may also want to read my article No Time To Lose.

My unforgettable adventures in Japan: Day 1

Tokyo April Fool’s Surprise

A trip to Japan fulfils a childhood dream and so much more. This is my journey to self-discovery and redemption. Welcome aboard!

By Nila Sweeney

After nearly ten hours flight from Narnia, otherwise known as Sydney, I excitedly peek through the window as the Qantas plane slowly came to a halt. I was almost dismayed not to see much but a few airplanes,  and then realised how silly it was to expect anything else. This is an airport, of course there's really not much to see, I muttered to myself chuckling at the silliness of it all. 

Surprisingly, I felt quite refreshed. I’ve forgotten how quiet and considerate Japanese passengers are! I’ve gotten so used to the rowdy Aussie crowd that seemed to invade every flight I’ve taken recently. It was certainly a very welcome change from the last flight I took going to Manila where I endured an excruciating 8-hour flight with a couple of drunken Australians sitting in front of me.

I took my first breath in of the Japanese air and instantly regretted it. Why are people wearing masks? Was there something nasty in the Japanese air? I found out later that they were protecting themselves from the Beijing smog. Yup, I thought it was a joke too, but my Japanese friend assured me that on a bad day, they get the smog from Beijing. Hmmmm..

So I proceeded to the immigration lane where I queued up for more than an hour. I was beginning to wonder if the famous Japanese efficiency has been replaced by the love of paperwork. Nevertheless, I waited patiently, even as the Indian woman behind me kept on complaining about how she's going to miss her train. Really? This is Japan, lady! Trains come pretty frequently, I nearly blurted.

The upshot of the long wait was that my bag was already waiting for me when I got out to collect it. So far so good! 

Next stop, I needed to get a temporary SIM card. Well, what do you know; I can't actually use my own phone in Japan! So I rented one, except that it's an older style phone which means I can't browse the internet. Oh well, that would do, I thought to myself as I nervously tried to figure out how to send a text message. 

Next, I went to collect my JR Pass. I bought the JR Pass voucher before I flew out of Sydney as it wasn't for sale in Japan. 

 

Narita Express

After collecting my JR rail pass, I took the Narita Express train to Tokyo and excitedly settled in my seat as the train zoomed out of the airport. I peered outside and saw my first cherry tree. Wow! They're everywhere! I almost jumped out of my seat when I noticed the amused look by my fellow passengers. In my broken Japanese, I told them, "First time in Japan" as I slinked back in my seat, feeling slightly embarrassed.

Before long, I arrived in Tokyo and into my friend Tomoko's apartment in Gotanda, Shinagawa where I'd be basing myself as I go gallivanting around Tokyo, Kyoto and Osaka. 

Gotanda is a hip residential and commercial area just a few train stops to the city centre. It was a perfect base.

Gotanda, Tokyo

I thought I'd know what to expect when using their toilet. Hmmm..Let’s just say it was very interesting...and weird. Really weird. 

I was almost too embarrassed to come out. Was Tomoko secretly giggling behind my back as I tried to figure these things out? Tip: you can use the toilet roll!

So the long-awaited Tokyo adventure began. After getting a lowdown from Tomoko on how to navigate the Tokyo transit system, I was set for the day.

The great thing about getting a JR pass is that you can use it in any JR train line, which is quite prevalent in Tokyo and other cities. You can't use it to ride the subways though so if you don't have JR Pass, get the pre-paid train ticket that you can top up at any train station.

I made my way to the local JR train station and headed down to Meiji Jingu Shrine near Harajuku and Shibuya, both known for their teenage culture and shopping. It’s interesting to see the traditional and the modern part of Japan coexisting side by side quite happily. 

The tall gate of the Meiji Jingu Shrine was quite imposing and the forested walk was equally impressive. Apparently, there are a total of 170,000 trees along and around the Shrine. Needless to say, it was breath-taking. The Meiji Shrine was bustling with pilgrims and the faithful, but it was surprisingly serene.

Meiji Jingu Shrine, Harajuku, Tokyo

Meiji Jingu Shrine

After exploring the temple for an hour, I headed back to Shibuya as I was getting pretty hungry at that point. Of all the restaurants I could have chosen, I've walked into one that actually served westernised Japanese food.  Too late, my stomach has pretty much taken over my brain. I have to eat. 

“Real” Japanese food was indeed literally just a couple of minutes away. A Japanese food festival was being held in one of the citys’ biggest department stores. Despite having just eaten, I went for a second helping. I was in food heaven!  Finally, I had my fix.

I explored Shibuya for another hour, admiring the vibrancy and energy of the place. It’s really like a small version of New York’s Time Square. 

Shibuya at night

It was a lot of fun crossing the road. So I did it twice and contemplated doing it the third time but I thought better. Starbucks has the best view of the crossing, but it was like a war zone out there, so I decided to check out the back streets instead. Shibuya is definitely a shopper's paradise. It's where all those hip young things and a lone tourist from Australia hang out.

I went back to my friend's apartment and rested for a while before I decided to go out and explore the neighbourhood. Near Tomoko's place was Meguro River where hundreds of cherry trees were still in bloom.

The cherry blossoms were on their last leg and the petals have started to fall but considering I haven't seen so many cherry blossoms in one place before, I thought this was paradise! I happily spent an hour taking pictures, admiring and marvelling at their beauty. I felt almost spiritual. One of my childhood dreams just came true! I was mesmerised by the way the petals fall out, just like snowflakes as they gently and gracefully sway with the wind.

Meguro River, Gotanda

The evening was a different experience altogether. Tomoko and I joined a bunch of Tokyo friends and fellow travellers at the New York Grill in Shinjuku and enjoyed the best vantage point of Tokyo. I was kicking myself for not bringing the camera. Oh well, another time.

After dinner, Tomoko and I went to meet up with an old colleague at a bar in Roppongi,  famous for its active nightlife. We went to a trendy bar which I later found out to be controlled by the Yakuza. It was surprisingly laid back, which made me suspicious even more.

A few more drinks and I was ready to hit the sack. I only had a few hours’ sleep since I left Sydney the night before so I was getting really tired. 

But I was so happy and excited to see my old friends and to see my first cherry blossoms. I savoured the moment and thought about the people who made it possible for me to be here. I felt the luckiest person in the world to have my whole family behind me. I missed them dearly and wished they were here with me too.

After packing my backpack for my trip to Osaka the next day, I was finally ready for bed. As I laid down on my futon bed, I have a big smile on my face and thought to myself, 'life is good' as I slowly drifted to sleep, dreaming about cherry blossoms and bullet trains.

Second instalment coming up in my next post:-)